2009-09-12 - 2:36 a.m.

I wanted to cry. So I went to bathe. That way, no one can see my tears. But maybe a better explanation would be that I haven't bathed since I reached home at 11.30pm.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even have time to wallow in self-pity. I have to wake up early tomorrow, or rather later, but I can't be bothered. I don't feel like sleeping. I always don't feel like sleeping when I am feeling down. But I am not always down when I don't feel like sleeping.

I don't know what I'm doing these days. Am I even studying? I can't even indulge in retail therapy because students are generally very poor, with a few exceptions but all concentrated around me. I don't seem to be engaged in anything. It's like Jack of all trades, master of none. I'm a bit of everything but not really a part of anything. I dislike this feeling.

I wonder if I do things or do I imagine them to be real. I don't even have time to do things which I claim to enjoy or have an interest in. While others can talk so fervently about their intellectual interests, I have to constantly pry my brain for a pastime I routinely do but nothing comes to mind. I start wondering, where exactly does my time go to?

I don't understand why I am feeling like this. Perhaps psychology would help but alas, I have nothing to do with that field. At least not now and not in the next couple of years.

I sometimes find things so confusing. And things like to happen one after another, always in close succession. Listening to Regina Spektor singing Eet on YouTube makes me lament about my lack of a voice remotely similar to hers.

I am probably going to die later but I don't think I will wake up to that reality till a few hours later. I wonder why I am ruining my body like that but I guess, we don't ever treasure what we have till it's gone, isn't it? I promise I will treasure my health, just maybe not now. Not now when I am so vexed over nothing in particular, or perhaps, I am not vexed at all. Isn't this all confusing.

Why can't people all convey their thoughts properly? The expressions always seem to come out wrong. No wonder writers take so much time to refine their work, going through endless drafts just so we as readers can understand every intention they have and appreciate it. I wish I was a writer, or had such good language skills such that I can become one too.

My eyelids are feeling heavy. It's a sign I need to sleep and get more lost in my thoughts. It always happens when I try to sleep with such feelings. Then again, I'll get so tired because I am always so exhausted, and fall asleep, and wake up forgetting about everything I had to deal with just a while before. I'll end up thinking I lead such a wonderful time and when I think about my life, I see nothing that I can remember. So perhaps, writing here will make me remember them somehow. Because the thoughts have been processed and then conveyed, albeit messily, so it would leave a better mark in my head.

Then again, isn't it pessimistic to only leave such saddening posts? I seem to be doing more of that lately. Maybe it's school but I guess the lovely institution shouldn't be labeled with something that might not be true. But anyway, I believe that for happy stuff, though as easily-forgotten, but they somehow get recalled better than their unhappy counterpart. Do I even make sense?

I hope all these is just hormonal. Maybe it's the time of the month. But I'll never know because I never did.

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